I'm sorry for what I said as a purity culture pusher.
On reflecting on a very different time in my life.
Last week a popular Facebook post made its rounds again. It reads “I’m sorry for what I said as an evangelical teenager,” and each time I see it I cringe with embarrassment at my former self. It instantly makes me remember my time as a purity culture pusher and Bible study teacher in my late teens and early twenties. I was saved, a virgin, saving myself for marriage and I made sure that everyone knew it. A couple of guys from my class even jokingly called me the Virgin Mary or Mother Mary, I can’t remember which one. I wore a purity ring and everything, y’all! *shudders*
Oh if that version of myself could see me now. I don’t think she’d survive the news. She’d have a heart attack, asthma attack, aneurysm, or all three the instant she learned of who she had become.
I’ve lived so many lives in the short 32 years I’ve been earthside. And in those lives, I’ve done many things that that version of me swore I’d never do. From the innocent “Ugh, I’ll never wear a thong!” to the judgmental “I’d never have someone’s baby who hasn’t made me a wife first!”
Hey Ashleigh, you become someone’s baby mama, a low-key stoner, AND you have more thongs than any other item of clothing in your wardrobe.
I originally wanted to approach this essay with humor and sarcasm, poking fun at my young and inexperienced self. But it doesn’t feel like a laughing matter at this moment. I had to do a lot of unlearning and deconstructing in my young adult years to understand, love, and accept myself after this period of my life. I sobbed uncontrollably after after losing my virginity at 22 because one of my first thoughts was “Omg I am so dirty!” Thinking back on this time made me sad for that version of myself who was, in so many ways, repressed and shackled by a religion that was supposed to set me free.
I read through two of my journals from this time in my life this past week and experienced a range of emotions. I was SO on fire for God and was steadfast in showing the world just how much. Looking back, I now know my tenacity was fueled by the fact that I didn’t love myself, was undiagnosed, and was hypersexual. I desperately searched for ways to feel better. Reading my words, I could physically feel the desperation. My written prayers were filled with unanswered requests to take away not only my desires but my mental anguish as well. Scriptures scribbled in bold words, badly wanting to believe them true. Dozens of book recommendations on saving myself and honoring my temple. And admissions of guilt for sexual sins I’d committed with my body and in my mind.
I didn’t just want this life of sexual purity for myself, no, I wanted this way of life for all and I secretly judged fellow Christians who didn’t seem to be trying. I wasn’t exactly the purest myself, but I was trying, right? And teaching others along the way? Surely those gave me the right to be as judgemental as I was.
I became a Pinky Promise representative for my campus after hearing about the movement and its leader. And later joined the DC chapter after I graduated. Pinky Promise was an organization that encouraged women to honor God with their life and body. But, the movement and its leader later proved problematic and harmful. Particularly for single Black women who were the main audience. While I don’t regret the wonderful women I had the pleasure of being in community with and the sisterhoods I still cherish today, I do regret my time pushing some of the ideologies the movement preached.
I had such an unhealthy view of sex and love because of what I learned about purity and sex in the church from a young age, especially as a woman. I spent so much time fighting and condemning natural desires in the name of not upsetting the man who supposedly created them. Feelings of guilt and shame always lingered and that kept me trying even harder to live a pure life. A core memory of mine that I think about often is witnessing a skit in teen church during one of our purity lessons as a young teen. One of the young girls was given a paper heart made of red construction paper and she stood in front of the class. One by one the boys were instructed to come up to the front and the girl had to rip off a piece of her heart to give to him. This continued until there was no more of her heart left when the final boy, her prospective husband, walked up to the missing heart. The lesson we were supposed to get from this story was that “every time she slept with a man, she lost a piece of her heart and she had none left to give to her husband which was why she should’ve waited to have sex.” Dramatic much? This lesson and many others stayed ingrained in my brain much longer than they should’ve and guided so many of my decisions as a young woman entering adulthood.
I don’t remember when the shift happened.
But, it started with me questioning my belief in the faith overall and why I fought so hard against my flesh. I do know that once I started sleeping with my then-boyfriend and experienced what I had been missing, there was no more going back. As much as we swore we’d abstain, we always found our way back into each other's bed even for a brief period after our relationship ended. I do know that once I freed myself from the shackles of purity culture, I began to love myself, my body, and my sensuality in a whole new way.
I’m sorry for what I said as a purity culture pusher. I am completely different from who I was then. Over a decade of lived experience, growth, and a whole lot of sex later, I love the freedom I acquired after leaving my faith behind in more ways than one.
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There are so many aspects of religion that ruin it for so many. Finding your own sense of self and spirituality is paramount, especially for Black women. We don’t need policing of our bodies by the church. We need better care and respect of our choices and independence. Peace and love to you on your journey!
GIRL! I had a purity ring too!!! 😅 I also was a super Christian college girl (my classmates called me "church girl") and it was during that time that I realized I wasn't trying to please God, I was trying to please and perform faith like other people. Oddly enough, that realization helped me grow closer to God and develop my own faith walk. Still growing!